please forgive my absence.

i am doing ok, relatively. relative to past weeks and experiences. i'm surprisingly busy but also surprisingly blessed by forgiveness and leniency. this is also evidenced in the amazing and beautiful replies i received to my last journals. thank you, to everyone.

i have a new poem i will post tomorrow, i think. it's about a woman named margarite.

in general, despite circumstances surrounding sick people in my group and deadlines, i'm surprisingly happy. there is a wellspring of happiness i found yesterday afternoon i would love to share with you all.

best,
ghrey

i'm terribly tired
not of classes but of me and people -

i don't like people sometimes. i don't like people who are one-man laugh tracks
i don't like clumsiness, trying to prove things - led to laptop being cracked while getting off a bike and falling against a wall
and it's so sad when something once perfect and pristine so suddenly cracks - i can't really handle this sort of change right now, and it's only technology

i don't like writing family poems even if they're sometimes "fucking good" because it hurts a lot to write them

i don't like feeling so miserably weak in the face of things that i'd much rather be able to control - circumstance, emotions, fatigue.

to be frank as i guarantee honesty i don't even like writing these journals sometimes because someone will read it and get the wrong impression:

i am a weak, weak person with a baby face and a terrible need for some guarantees in life
i'm drawing a self portrait and i want my eyes lit by fire and i know that's horribly inaccurate
i'd rather be disintegrating at the bits

but instead i'm being nice
and drawing my hair as a nest with leaves and twigs
for a bird to sit within.

don't feel bad for me - i know i deserve whatever silly misfortune stumbles my way
bottle broken behind
dragging bloody glass feet across my eyes -
that feeling is about how i feel in my stomach right now,
swells and surges of guiltpains and nervousness and anxiety i think
i just want to sleep and get some smiles and listen to some fucking crazy music

please, this journal is largely for me. please don't think ill of me.